SO THAT YOU MAY KNOW

There is not a day that passes
that I do not grieve for your pain.
Not a day passes I do not feel your loss.
Everyday I am reminded of my failure,
your pain, and my inability to undo it.
I knew the day I walked out (1/1/1979)
that you would hurt the rest of your life,
and I would feel your hurt the rest of my life.

I have not, since that day, believed that I
had any right to be happy, nor to take
any pleasure in life. I had been party to
hurting my sons by denying them their father;
and for that, "what rights do I have?" None.

The apologies have been made;
the wounds try to heal;
but so much scarring that the beauty
of life is known only in memory.

NOT LIKELY

It is likely few people read this blog.
It is doubtful few people care for it's content.
It is, however, not doubtful that I find
this blog an outlet for that which burdens
and that which rejoices my heart.

For example I have an opinion of the internet which burdens my mind.
A great form of communication; I dare say that all man's so called
knowledge can be accessed on the internet. All his philosophies,
all his insights, all his academic knowledge, all his scientific knowledge;
Everything this human race has ever produced from it's heart and mind
is no doubt accessible to every human being with a computer.
Is this not great? In deed it is great!
HOWEVER,
the draw back of that is that every bit of hate, despair, anger, stress,
pain and sorrow; every perversion of the thoughts of man, every corrupt deed,
every anti righteous deed that man has experienced or cast upon another
is also spewed out before the world for all to see.
The question I have, "What is the wisdom in that?"

Revelation of my heart

It was a revelation when my heart broke and tears flowed in waves down the cheeks of a face drawn with pain. The past had been sorted with deeds around the country - done in the name of the LORD and with a heart for His pleasure to be found in my heart and life; yet, I have reached total lack of understanding as to the course my life has been on.
I know I love my Father in heaven - I know I have pursued the understanding of His heart every day for years, but what is illusive to me is the "why" of my circumstances: Circumstances numerous and varying.
In spite of my love and pursuit and dedication to the relationship of Father and son, I have trodden many a changing path in the hunt for service to Him. If I escape the burden of life having done what pleases Him I will step into those pearly gates with a sense of having run and finished the race that was set before me: BUT, if I come face to face with my LORD and Savior and have not bore all the fruit He had wanted me to, then my head will hang low in deed. Hence, I continue the pathway on which I am set in the hope that finally I have reached the road He pleases me to travel; by His grace never to stray from it, no matter the gates of hell come against me.